Golf Quotes and Joke and Other Useful Tools.
Golf will either bring out the best in us or the worse. We are not alone in our frustrations. When we take ourselves too seriously we must remember some basic truths:
Laugh and the world laughs with us, cry and we cry alone.
Golf is a comedy of errors.
Smile when you pick up the phone, the caller will hear it in your voice.
YOU CALL IT FUN, I CALL IT GOLF
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly ... or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice ... once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
FIRST PUTTING LESSON
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
EXCUSES always EXCUSES:
A fly landed on my ball right when I hit.
A squirrel picked up my ball and put it in the bunker.
A squirrel pushed my ball into the trap, the good-for-nothing wannabe rats.
Bermuda grass sucks.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it, have you no etiquette?
Please quit breathing when I swing.
Didn't you hear that sound in the woods during my swing? It sounded like a duck.
What's that smell?
Ever since I made a hole-in-one, I can't concentrate.
From three hundred yards out it looks like the green sloped away.
I should have laid up.
Golf is about etiquette, not playing well.
Golf isn't fun if it's competitive, so I don't try hard.
Hackers tore up the green.
I can't play competitively.
I always choke when money is on the line.
The Little White Ball
In My Hand I Hold a Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree! Or Take A Swim!
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
It Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of
tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle,
followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing
left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,
the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable
tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before
taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers ....neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how
badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls.....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.